Tonight’s Smackdown was booked around the Cousin Sal versus Santino Marella “mainstream” match, and was broadcast out of Los Angeles, California. MVP watched the whole show from his own private suite in the upper deck.

A pretty great vignette highlighting Edge’s surprise victory over The Undertaker at ONS airs before cameras cut to the ring and La Familia.

La Familia are in a celebratory mood inside the ring, sipping Champaign ahead of Edge’s formal introduction as “the new World Heavyweight Champion.” For what it’s worth, Vickie’s current heat status is off the charts and she is probably the WWE’s top heel at this moment.

The Rated R Superstar comes out and passionately kisses his fiancé to another round of boos from the Hollywood crowd. Edge thanks La Familia for being there for him and then steals a line from Jerry McGuire, saying to Vickie, “You complete me.” Continues Edge, “This Sunday I did something that nobody else has been able to do… I ended the career of The Undertaker… and not only that, but I became the new Heavyweight World Champion!” Comically, Edge says that he did The Dead Man a favour by retiring him because, according to Edge, Taker got to go out to “one of the greatest, if not THE greatest Superstar in the WWE” and that if Edge had lost he would have just hunted Taker down anyway.

However, as Edge toasts The Undertaker the lights dim and for a fleeting moment the fans sense The Dead Man’s presence. But when the lights turn back on Edge laughs and reveals to the audience that he was just pulling their legs!

Finally, Vickie Guerrero drops one last bombshell on the Smackdown fans by announcing that “on July 11th, Edge and I will be pledging our endless love in holy matrimony, right here on Smackdown!” This draws the ire of Batista because The Animal suspects he won’t be invited to the ceremony. (Seriously Batista, I’m sure they haven’t even planned who they are inviting yet, just chill!)

The segment ends with Batista challenging Edge for his World Heavyweight Title, but with Vickie saying that she doesn’t take orders on Smackdown, she gives them! The GM then books a 4-on-4 tag team match of Edge, Chavo Guerrero, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins versus Batista and three mystery partners of Vickie Guerrero’s choosing, with the stipulation being that if Batista’s team doesn’t win then Batista is never afforded another title shot against Edge on Smackdown.

CURTAIN JERKER: FINLAY (W/HORNSWOGGLE) vs CHUCK PALUMBO; BELFAST BRAWL

Chuck Palumbo gets distracted from the outset by Hornswoggle, which allows Finlay to take control. Palumbo is thrown head-first into the fan barrier before turning the tables and throwing Finlay into the steel steps.

Finlay baseball slides into Chuck, who was holding a trash can and is consequently felled by it.

Belly-to-back suplex by Palumbo outside the ring.

The Irishman grabs a shillelagh but a big boot from Palumbo swings momentum.

The finish comes as Hornswoggle runs into the ring to low-blow Chuck Palumbo, which allows Finlay to knock his opponent out with a steel chain-shot.

Winner: Finlay

The Big Show comes out for the next in-ring segment featuring a legit injury above his left eye. (The Big Show fractured his sinus cavity and possibly his orbital bone as well during the “Singapore Cane Match” at One Night Stand). Show address the ECW Champion but Mark Henry decides to interrupt instead. I’d like to say that Henry brought charisma with him when he walked out, but I think he ate it beforehand, because apart from a little charisma stuck between his teeth Mark Henry didn’t have any!

Henry proceeds to talk in slow motion yet doesn’t really add anything to the segment. I’m not even sure what the point of him coming out was.

MATCH TWO: DUECE ‘N DOMINO vs THE GREAT KHALI; 2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH

The Great Khali is at a huge disadvantage here, not simply because he’s at a numerical disadvantage, but also because he doesn’t know how to wrestle.

Khali throws his arms up and says “BLLAAAAGH,” which is Hindi for “Thank you fans, I have always loved Los Angeles.” (Probably)

Apparently this is a standard handicap match, where tags are mandatory.

Khali palms Deuce’s head, incapacitating him, somehow.

Tag out to Domino. Elbow to Domino, incapacitating him, somehow.

Khali Bombs on Deuce ‘N Domino, incapacitating them, somehow.

Winner: The Great Khali

Cameras cut to the GM’s office where Vickie is showing off her engagement ring. All of the Smackdown Divas are gathered around her. Suddenly Vickie changes gears, saying that the Fabulous Moolah was a great women’s champion and that Smackdown doesn’t even have a women’s champion, to which one of the women remarks, “Oh that’s right!” (I thought that was hilarious!) The segment ends with Vickie Guerrero booking a Golden Dreams Match (whatever that means) to crown a new, erm, women’s championship contender.

Despite the absurdity of having an elaborate match merely to delineate a number one contender for a vacant championship, I actually like the move for a Women’s Title in principal because it gives the women on Smackdown something more to feud over other than the outcomes of bikini contests. Now, the argument could be made that there isn’t enough female talent in the WWE to merit having two Women’s Titles, but I feel that since the women are split into two brands then both Women’s Divisions should have something legitimate to compete for.

MATCH THREE: SANTINO MARELLA vs COUSIN SAL (W/JIMMY KIMMEL AND ROWDY RODDY PIPER)

Cousin Sal is sporting the farmer’s tan. (Dear God I hope that’s tanning cream done just for comedic value for this match and not a real farmer’s tan).

The ring bell sounds. Scoop slam by Santino on Sal.

Santino toys with Sal, offering him a free head-lock.

Airplane spin by Cousin Sal followed by a vertical suplex for a near fall!

The finish comes as Jimmy Kimmel hooks Marella’s leg, allowing Cousin Sal to pick up the pinfall through a classic schoolboy roll-up.

Winner: Cousin Sal

After the match Santino attacks Cousin Sal from behind and then confronts Jimmy Kimmel, but Roddy Piper makes the save.

After a commercial break Eve Torres catches up with Sal in his locker room. Kimmel fields all the questions and basically turns heel. The segment ends with Jimmy Kimmel telling Sal that he’s booked him into another match, this time against The Big Show, and that they’re “going to make a lot of money.”

Cameras cut to The Miz and John Morrison picking on Hornswoggle in the back. Finlay comes in for the save and then Hornswoggle sprays them both with water.

Cameras cut again, this time to La Familia preparing for their 8-man tag match. Edge pulls Chavo Guerrero aside and asks Chavo to be his best man at the wedding. Chavo seems reluctant about the whole thing and teases another face turn and possible split from La Familia. Somehow, throughout all of these rapid heel and face turns, I get the strange urge to start watching TNA.

MATCH FOUR: GOLDEN DREAMS MATCH

The rules are explained as being that “the Diva who climbs up and retrieves the star (which has been hung from a pole) will be one of the competitors in the Diva’s championship match.” Somehow, I get the strange urge to start watching TNA again.

The competitors of this match are announced as being: Kelly Kelly, Layla, Maryse, Cherry, Natalya, Victoria, and Michelle McCool.

The girls all square off. Cherry makes a run for the golden star but Victoria knocks her off the turnbuckle.

Head-scissors by Kelly Kelly on Victoria.

Michelle McCool is spotlighted as the dominant Diva in this match.

Three-person vertical suplex/powerbomb performed in the corner by Nattie on both Victoria and Michelle McCool! Neidhart grabs the star!

Winner: Natalya

MATCH FIVE: JIMMY WANG YANG vs VLADIMIR KOZLOV; JUST A NORMAL MATCH (HONESTLY!)

Yang misses with a heel kick and then gets thumped with a big boot.

Inzaguri by Jimmy Wang Yang followed by a moonsault! But he misses! Belly-to-belly suplex by Kozlov into a pin for the win.

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov

Eve Torres is interviewing Batista backstage ahead of his big main event match. That is all.

MAIN EVENT: EDGE AND CHAVO GUERRERO AND ZACK RYDER AND CURT HAWKINS vs BATISTA AND NUNZIO AND FUNAKI AND COLIN DELANY; 4-ON-4 TAG TEAM MATCH

The story of this match is Batista trying to overcome the odds and win despite his crap partners.

Batista and Zack Ryder start off for their respective teams. The Animal is the more dominant force. Chavo tags in and fares little better.

Batista tags in Delany, who somehow manages to maintain momentum!

After a commercial break we see Delany back in his familiar position of staring up at the lights.

Edge forces Delany to tag in Funaki and then the Canadian tags out to Chavo.

Drop kick by Guerrero on Funaki.

Finally, Funaki makes the hot tag to Batista, who receives the loudest pop of the night!

Powerslam on Ryder, followed by a spine-buster! All hell breaks loose! Double spear on Chavo and Curt at the same time! Spine-buster on Edge! Batista Bomb on Hawkins! 1-2-3!

Winners: Batista and Nunzio and Funaki and Colin Delany

Smackdown goes off the air with Michael Cole and Mick Foley proclaiming Batista’s “miracle win” that will now earn him a World Championship opportunity sometime in the near future.