Smackdown was broadcast out of Fresno State University this week and was booked around Batista versus The Great Khali. And like Dan Lovranski on a Sunday night I’m attempting to track down a delicious pizza for consumption.

The WWE’s top heel, Vickie Guerrero, opens the show by welcoming everyone to “the official contract signing for the World Heavyweight Championship at Night Of Champions.” The challenger, Batista, comes out to sign the contract. (Apparently Edge has already done so).

Vickie calls Edge “the greatest World Heavyweight Champion ever” and then claims that that’s a fact. (I don’t doubt it, personally).

Loud ‘You Suck’ chants echo the arena, to which Vickie classically delivers the line, “Excuse me, we’re in the middle of business!”

The GM decides to drop a bombshell on The Animal, claiming that he needs to wrestle and win one more match in order to be named the official number one contender for Edge’s World Title - and that match will be against The Great Khali! Batista irrationally signs the contract without reading it, quite possibly because he can’t read, and is then told by Vickie Guerrero that there was an added stipulation snuck into the official paper; that if Batista does not defeat The Great Khali tonight then The Animal will be banished from the WWE “just like The Undertaker!”

CURTAIN JERKER: FINLAY (W/HORNSWOGGLE) vs JOHN MORRISON (W/THE MIZ)

Finlay and Hornswoggle come out hitting each other with toy hammers. Man, Finlay really needs to lose his leprechaun son, because this is just a stupid gimmick/angle and Finlay deserves so much better. Ah good my pizza is finally here!

The bell sounds and the match gets underway. I start eating. Collar and elbow tie up, but neither man can gain an advantage.

Bodyslam by Finlay followed by a near fall.

Top rope plancha by Morrison, but he misses! Finlay throws his son into The Miz to take the former reality star out.

Pele kick by Morrison on Finlay in the corner. 1-2-no!

John Morrison works his opponent over on the canvas.

Jawbreaker by the Irishman!

Atomic drop by Finlay followed by a drop kick. Cover and a kick out, though, by Morrison.

The finish comes when The Miz attacks Hornswoggle on the outside, causing enough of a distraction for Finlay to allow Morrison to roll him up for the win. I guess the match was good, but not as good as my pizza. Lose Hornswoggle, Finlay!!!

Winner: John Morrison

Cameras cut to the back where Edge is being interviewed by Eve Torres. The Diva Nobody asks Edge for his thoughts on Batista, to which the champion says that he would like to beat Batista again. But Edge is soon interrupted by CM Punk, who congratulates the Canadian on his upcoming wedding and then teases a cashing in of his MITB briefcase at the big event itself!

MATCH TWO: MARK HENRY vs TOMMY DREAMER

I think Mark Henry hates charisma as much as Carlito hates teaming with Santino Marella, because Mark never has any with him when he walks out.

Amazingly, we are shown footage of Mark Henry cutting a promo on The Big Show that was filmed earlier. I was too gob smacked by the fact that Henry can talk to hear what he actually said.

The story of this match is both men’s attempts to win the ‘Elevation Talent Championship.’ (Probably)

Henry steps on Dreamer with his big frame. I fall asleep. Henry wins with a World’s Strongest Slam. I wake up.

Winner: Mark Henry

In a very funny segment, Edge runs to Vickie and whines that “CM Punk just got in my face!” A concerned Vickie Guerrero is then interrupted by MVP, who claims that he deserves more of a push since he’s the most talented man on Smackdown. MVP demands a renegotiation of his contract, to which the Smackdown GM offers a deal; if MVP takes out CM Punk tonight then Vickie will look over MVP’s contract. The deal seems fair and MVP leaves to take care of business.

MATCH THREE: MARYSE vs CHERRY

Before the match starts Michael Cole informs us that Vickie Guerrero is going to be scouting the Divas in the upcoming weeks to find a suitable challenger to face Nattie for the new Women’s Title on Smackdown. I guess that means this match is supposed to be important?

Cherry dominates from the outset.

You know, I just bought a Shimmer DVD online and I have to say that these girls’ match sucks in comparison.

Cherry goes for a bulldog but Maryse counters by rolling her opponent up for a near fall.

Cherry hits an impaler out of nowhere for the win.

Winner: Cherry

MATCH FOUR: MVP vs CM PUNK

Collar and elbow tie up. Punk takes MVP down to the canvas. CM Punk continues to work Porter over on the mat.

Headlock take-down by MVP, and this time the former US Champion works his opponent over on the canvas.

This match has been going for a good 5 minutes and it’s been contested entirely on the mat so far.

Fujiwara arm-bar applied by MVP.

Punk goes shoulder-first into the ring post, then MVP throws him into the post a second and third time, just for good measure. He starts targeting the injured left arm of his opponent.

A spinning heel kick by Punk finally swings momentum his way.

MVP takes off the top turnbuckle in an attempt to distract the referee. It works! As Charles Robinson goes to fix the turnbuckle MVP grabs the MITB briefcase. Punk sees this, though, and consequently knees the briefcase into the face of his opponent, effectively using the case as a weapon against its wielder! However, referee Charles Robinson turns around to see MVP knocked out and Punk holding the briefcase, puts two and two together, and then disqualifies CM Punk!

Winner: MVP (via DQ)

MATCH FIVE: MATT HARDY vs CHUCK PALUMBO

Chavo Guerrero announces the introduction for Matt Hardy, who he will be facing for the US Title at Night Of Champions. That is all. I guess Chavo just needed some extra television time?

Palumbo and Hardy lock up. Chuck uses his superior strength to gain the early upper hand.

Loud “Hardy, Hardy, Hardy” chants emanate around the Fresno State University arena.

A big boot by Chuck Palumbo knocks the US Champion to the floor!

Palumbo goes high risk with no reward.

Twist-of-Fate tease, followed by a Side-Effect!

Twist-of-Fate for real this time! 1-2-3!

Winner: Matt Hardy

After the match Chavo Guerrero announces Matt Hardy as the winner of the match, but as the loser of their future US Title match at Night Of Champions. Haha!

Cameras cut to the back where Eve Torres is interviewing Vladimir Kozlov. Great, a segment where nobody can talk. Kozlov speaks Russian but there are no TNA subtexts so I can’t tell what he’s saying.

MATCH SIX: JESSE AND FESTUS vs DEUCE ‘N DOMINO

The WWE make good use of the HD set for Festus’s new entrance, in which a graveyard of used cars are displayed at the top of the ramp using the new technology. Me likey!

Jesse and Deuce start for their respective teams.

Lou Thesz Press by Jesse on his opponent! Deuce hits a heel kick on Jesse though to regain momentum. Tag out to Domino.

Jesse is legitimately busted open.

The two heels successfully cut the ring in half, isolating Jesse as per the usual script.

Hot tag to Festus, who uses his raw power to take over the match.

Corkscrew shoulder-charge by the big man!

An uppercut by Festus nabs his team the victory.

Winners: Festus and Jesse

After the match Deuce confronts Domino about the loss and the two men turn on each other and brawl all around the ring!

MAIN EVENT: BATISTA vs THE GREAT KHALI

The story of this match is Batista’s will to win in order to retain his WWE contract and earn a shot at Edge’s World Heavyweight Championship at Night Of Champions.

Amazingly, the Wrestling Gods decide to take pity on us all by blacking out this main event that had “craptacular” written all over it. Or it could just be the curse of Friday the 13th (the only Friday the 13th of all of 2008!). Either way, I can’t report what I can’t see, not that I really wanted to see Batista and The Great Khali wrestle anyway, nor hear Michael Cole commentate about it without using any real wrestling manoeuvre names. “Oh and what impact! Did you see that?” Yes I did. I also know the name of it and you don’t, so shut up Cole.

Anyways, let’s just assume that Batista won this match since I can’t see the WWE getting rid of both The Undertaker and Batista at the same time. And even more importantly, Edge needs an opponent to wrestle at the next PPV.

Winner: Batista (probably)