By: Keiran Bentley

Welcome to Hulkamania! Let the battle begin! The set is phat, I can see the EPW ring but its decked out with red and yellow ropes. I think it's funny they can afford all their stars fees, but they can't afford to provide and transport their own ring. Excellent intro video to get everyone pumped, music is a version of Clint Mansell's Summer Overture but sounding a little bit like the music from T2. Ok, here we go.
 
Junior Fatu and Brian Christopher def. Rock of Love
Decent match to kick off the night, if not for the inclusion of the Poison groupies. Good reaction for Fatu, and even better for Grand Master Sexay. That zebra tracksuit must be a decade old by now. The match itself was pretty weak, only a few entertaining spots, including Rock of Love debilitating Christopher then forcing his limp body to play air guitar, and of course the stinkface. Rikishi has put on stacks of weight since his WWE days so a stinkface these days is potentially fatal. I was right behind that turnbuckle so that was more horrific than entertaining. I've seen less dimples on a golf ball. Fatu wins with his giant arse.

Shannon Moore def. Spartan 3000 Matt Cross
Right at the start it was announced this was the second match in a best of three series. Gee, I wonder who's going to win now? Hmmm. Easily the best match on the card in-ring wise, but didn't offer much more than that. Matt Cross is way too good a wrestler to be saddled with such a shitty gimmick. Good back and forth match, but the high spots were limited including Cross COMING UP SHORT ON HIS SIGNATURE SHOOTING STAR PRESS. Moore predictably picks up the win and levels the series 1-1.

Big Daddy Row Row def. Sean Morley & The Pimp Father
Have to say, right at the start of this match, when the name Big Daddy Row Row flashed up, I thought 2 things. A) Big Vis is back B) That's the shittest name ever. I was right about one of them. Rosey comes to the ring in his full superhero get-up. Pimp Father comes out to a huge pop, stops halfway to the ring and gestures to the back. A plethora of hotties comes striding out to a raucous ovation from the 18-24 males in the crowd. You can almost hear a collective slap as hundreds of women hit their boyfriends. Morley and Wright said they're cut from the same cloth but Morley heels on them and Wright says that Rosey paid in advance. Dodgy. Match begins. Didn't watch the match, distracted by the hoes. Rosey pins Morley with a Samoan drop, Rosey and Wright leave with all the hoes. I want to go with them. I am in love with the one with pink streaks.

Heidenreich, Black Pearl, Vampire Warrior def. Nasty Boyz and Nick Dinsmore
I wonder how Dinsmore feels working a retard gimmick under his real name. The less said about this match the better. This was bad. I'm talking Volkoff/Shiek vs Bushwhackers bad. That's how bad. When you have 6 guys, and the best worker of the lot is Dinsmore, you know you're in for a farce of a match. Way too much stalling for a match that was bound to suck anyway. My favourite wrestler in the match, Black Pearl, hardly got tagged in. I was glad when this match finished after Heidenreich pinned the retard following a slam. They teased using a table after the match, but they didn't, just adding to the disappointment.

BIKINI CONTEST! Koa Marie Turner def. Kara Dillon and Stephanie Pietz
What am I meant to say here? Hot sluts took their kit off. Steph and Koa went with the flow and stripped. Steph has the better tits, but Koa has the better arse. Kara heels and tries to leave, just as well, as she was fairly hot but I was distracted looking at her Triple H nose. I can't tell you who won because it degenerated into a catfight. The only winners here are the blokes in the first few rows. At first I was devastated that Lacey wasn't a part of it, but it's okay because I saw more of her later. Literally.

Orlando Jordan def. Ken "Kennedy" Anderson
Orlando heels right off the bat just in case we forgot he was a dick, with the gayest entrance ever. His music says "the guys want to get with me." No OJ, they don't. Ken did his awesome intro, complete with interrupting the actual announcer. (Who was useless by the way) Possibly the second best match of the night behind Moore/Cross. OJ really suprised me, but I still hate him. They tease the Mic Check and the Lamboo Leap but neither happen. Anderson eventually loses which is probably the hugest disappointment of the night for me personally.

Uso "Umaga" Fatu def. Brutus Beefcake
Definitely the "What else should we do with these guys" match of the night, and shouldn't have been given this slot. The person I attended the show with predicted this match way ahead of time, I remember saying "No fucking way, who would do that?" Well, they answered that question very promptly. I have to admit, as a 7 year old, I was a fan of his, but seeing a 50 year old man in slashed tights and bleached hair made me sad. Not just for him, but for his family. Uso Fatu wins with a Samoan Spike. Yes, he won with a thumb to the neck. I've never understood that.

Hulk Hogan w/ Jimmy Hart def. Ric Flair w/ Lacey Von Erich
This match was simply amazing. Not for the incredible in-ring action, but for the fact we were witnessing the 2 biggest draws in wrestling history tie up mere metres from our eyes. Noone expected a 5-star classic, and thank christ for that, because we didn't get one. Ric bled very early in the piece, and he bled PROFUSELY when he did. Hogan bladed not long after. We got about 5-10 minutes of the two beating on one another. Then the run-ins started. We didn't pay for run-ins. We paid for Hogan vs Flair. This is my biggest gripe of the night. Once all the b-grade run-ins were dealt with, it was left upto the legends to get in all their spots, including a Flair flop, and Flair's bare arse being exposed. Thankfully we were compensated not long after when Jimmy Hart dacked Lacey Von Erich and her sensational arse was on show for all the world to see, Possibly the spot of the night. Once all the interference was dealt with, they locked up for a final flurry, including the the moment I was waiting for. Flair has a punch blocked, Hogan points and along with thousands of Hulkamaniacs yells "YOU!!" A few punches and a big boot later and Ric is laid out in the centre of the ring. Hulk teases leg drop, but calls to Jimmy. Jimmy Hart throws him the megaphone as Naitch gets to his feet. Hogan nails Flair in the skull, tosses the weapon and makes the cover. 1-2-3 Hogan wins, suprise suprise. Hogan does his routine in the ring, flexing and pandering to the crowd. Usually I hate watching this on TV, but being front row pressed against the fence while it happens is a different story. It was incredible.
 
I haven't been the biggest Hulkamaniac in recent times, but when I was younger I was. I wept when I was 6 or 7 and Hogan dropped the strap to Warrior, I was inconsolable. Seriously. I used to sing along to "Real American" even though I clearly was not American. So to be within 3 rows of my childhood hero was simply amazing. More surreal than anything, absolutely nothing like it. I had a great night and I don't know why anyone would complain. Anyone who went expecting a night of top notch wrestling and five-star classics is just kidding themselves and deserves to be disappointed. Everyone else who went for the awesome nostalgia kick and the once in a lifetime chance to witness history, left very content, and more than likely clad in a retro yellow Hulk shirt. I sure as hell did.
 
Hulkamania STILL rules, brother.